How Mothers Can Handle Unsolicited Advice

--(BUSINESS WIRE)--When you were pregnant, did you get advice from every woman who’s ever had a baby? Did total strangers feel compelled to give you advice at the grocery store? Did every question you ask turn into a lecture leaving you feeling less competent as a mother?

We all have wisdom. But, when is it okay to give advice and when isn’t it? Sometimes the tip your sister shares about calming a cranky infant might be just what you need to help your baby settle down. But sometimes even well-intentioned advice can feel like criticism.

“The difference between helpful advice and criticism is whether or not you asked for help,” explains parenting expert Dr. Nancy Buck, the author of Peaceful Parenting and soon-to-be-released Why Do Kids Act Like That? (www.peacefulparenting.com). “When you ask your mother-in-law how she handled her bickering children, you hope her tricks help you solve your problem. But when a total stranger butts in at the store, it feels like that stranger is judging you.”

Now imagine what it’s like for your child. Every parent, teacher or coach is always ready with unsolicited advice and correction. When is correction helpful and when is it a threat to your child’s self-esteem? Just as with you, the key is whether or not the advice was asked for.

When your son has trouble making his bed, if he asks for your help he wants advice. But if you see him struggling and suggest tucking in the corners, your suggestion may easily be perceived as criticism. When your daughter asks her coach how to improve her soccer skills, she wants advice and help. But when the coach tells her that she messed up on that last play, your daughter may leave the field questioning her abilities.

So here’s some advice for you: ASK. When you see your daughter struggling with her homework, ask if she wants your help. When you hear your son name the wrong capital of Iowa, ask if he would like your advice. When you see another mother juggling her baby and dog, ask if you can help. Your well-earned wisdom will be more readily accepted if you ask first if the person wants it.